It has come to my attention that some of my readers don’t like that I often include spoilers in my blogs, even though I consistently throw out alerts. Please allow this opening paragraph to serve as a warning that several spoilers are going to be discussed in this post, and that if you continue to read beyond this point, you are not allowed to complain. There.
So next year, The Avengers is coming out in theaters, as directed by nerd-Jesus Joss Whedon. Something occurred to me as I was watching the new trailer for the movie: somebody is going to die. Not like extras and civilians, one of the main characters is going to bite the dust. They have to.
Why do I say that?
Joss Whedon’s history, that’s why. Good ol’ Joss has a way of crafting amazing, loveable characters who are 3-dimensional and that you really care about, and then killing them. Prime examples: Serenity and Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog.
In Serenity, the pilot of the ship is Wash, who is easily one of the funniest characters in the show. He has several great moments, and is a ton of fun. But in Serenity, he unceremoniously perishes. You also have Shepherd Book, who is a pastor. In addition to being a very interesting character, he serves as a moral compass for the Captain, without being overly pushy. He’s the voice of reason in the midst of chaos, and even gets some of the best lines in the show. And by the end of the movie, he’s pushing up the daisies.
And then we have Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog, a fun 45 minute movie that Joss Whedon wrote and directed with a few friends during the writer’s strike back in ’08. He gives the lead a love interest named Penny who is a fun, loveable caring person, who you really grow to love as the movie progresses. And guess what? SHE. $%#*ING. DIES.
So it should go without saying that one of the main six characters in the Avengers is going to kick the bucket. Let’s evaluate everybody’s chances.
Chances of survival: 100%
Explanation: Without Ironman, the Avengers would never have been greenlit. Hell, before Captain America and Thor this year, the only successful films that preceded The Avengers was Ironman 1 and 2. He’s the face of the franchise, and there’s no way they’re killing that off.
Steve Rogers/Captain America
Chances of survival: 90%
Explanation: I really don’t think that they’ll kill off somebody as iconic as Captain America, but he’s just a bit more likely to buy the farm than Ironman.
Chances of survival: 90%
Explanation: Same as above, but also because they already have Thor 2 greenlit.
Bruce Banner/Jolly Green Giant/Hulk
Chances of survival: 70%
Explanation: While they probably won’t try to make more Hulk movies (the studio lost money on both), his character is popular enough that they would probably want to keep him around.
Scarlett Johansen as Black Widow
Chances of survival: 50%
Explanation: She only had a small role in Ironman 2, but it looks like she’s going to get a lot more screen time in The Avengers. Given that she doesn’t have a film franchise, her chances of survival are diminished, but I really don’t think that Joss Whedon has the brass ones to kill off the only chick in a movie that is otherwise quite the sausage-fest.
Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye
Chances of survival: 10%
Explanation: He looks like he’s going to be amazingly bad ass, but he doesn’t have any standalone films and somebody’s gotta shuffle loose this mortal coil.
So yeah, I formally placed a $5 bet with Attebiz the other day that somebody will run up the curtain and join the choir invisible. He’s doubting me. We’ll see how this goes.