Movies Starring Nicholas Cage That Were Good In Spite of Starring Nicholas $%&@ing Cage

29 Aug

Anybody who knows me knows that I do not like Nicholas Cage.

Maybe it’s because his performances are about as nuanced as a kick in the
crotch.
Maybe it’s because his characterizations are about as subtle as a charging
rhino.
Maybe it’s because he has bad hair.

Whatever the reason is, Nicholas Cage is still very popular, and thus gets
a lot of jobs in movies that are very good despite starring somebody with
the acting ability of a babboon who recently suffered a stroke.  I’m here
today to honor these movies in today’s DVD Sound Bite.

Con Air

The gist: Nick Cage plays an Army Ranger who is a family man, but ends up
in jail after killing a man who was trying to rape his wife, (apparently
he had a really bad lawyer).  He is about to be released, but is
transported across the country in a plane with a bunch of other convicts.
The cons take over the plane, and shenanigans ensue.

My take: This is a bad movie.  And it’s AWESOME!  From Nick Cage’s
uninspired narration to Steve Buscemi’s screwy psychopath to John
Malkovich being John Malkovich to the gaping plot holes to the
over-the-top action, this movie was the best things about a movie in the
90s.  The camp value on this movie is through the roof.

On a scale of 1 to AWESOME, I rate it a 69.

Weather Man

The gist: Nick Cage is a weather man.  As you might presume from the
title.  He grapples with life issues.  That’s really what it boils down
to.

My take: I know a lot of people didn’t like this movie, but I really did.
The inclusion of Michael Caine helped out a lot.  Some things that
Cage’s character does don’t seem like the type of thing that anybody would
do, but they’re the types of things that would still cross our minds, even
if we didn’t act on them.  The film has some excellent symbolism to it as
well, but falls prey to presuming the audience too dumb to pick up on it.
Even though the point of the movie was rather obviously communicated
through the events of the film, they still felt like they needed to sit
down and explain it in the most idiot-proof terms possible.  Oh well, I
still like it.

Score: 74 out of 100

Face/Off

The gist: John Travolta is a good family man.  Nick Cage is a super
villain. Their faces get switched.  It’s a long story.

My take: The reason this works is because Nick Cage plays John Travolta
playing Nick Cage.  Confused?  So was I.  It’s pretty obvious how much
Cage tries to be Travolta.  What makes it work is the camp value (again),
coupled with John Woo’s direction.  I don’t think he’s a terribly good
director, but he knows how to throw together an action sequence that would
be over the top in a Mountain Dew commercial.  This movie also features
probably the biggest goof in cinema history in the opening fight scene.
But for better or for worse, it’s a fun movie.  Check it out.

Score: 65 out of 100

Kick-Ass

The gist: Some kid decides that he wants to try at being a superhero
because he’s sick of nobody standing up to bad guys.  Turns out Nick Cage
is already a superhero.  Shenanigans ensue.

My take:
I don’t think this movie deserves a spot on the top 250 on IMDb (it’s
presently ranked #186) but I loved this movie.  The dialogue is sharp, the
action is incredible and the characters are well acted.  Except for Nick
Cage.  He just did an Adam West impersonation for two hours and was
out-acted by a twelve-year-old girl with a potty mouth.  Oh well, it’s
awesome anyway.

Score: 83 out of 100

Gone in 60 Seconds

The gist: Nick Cage steals cars.  There’s other characters and motivation
and so on, but that’s really all the movie is about.

My take: I almost forgot about this movie for the list, because I keep
forgetting that Nick Cage is in it.  I’m not kidding.  He’s the star of
the movie and I keep forgetting that he is in it.  Upon a second viewing,
I figured out why that was.  The supporting cast is hilarious.  The cars
are amazing.  The chase scenes are very well done.  Angelina Jolie smiles
and wears short shorts.  And the man of the hour is completely
forgettable.  I forget that Nick Cage is in the movie because the first
time I watched it (five years ago) the only memorable parts I remember are
the memorable moments, none of which feature Cage doing anything besides
driving.

My score: 75 out of 100

In conclusion, Nicholas Cage has a career that has spanned two decades and 95 points on rotten tomatoes.  He left a mark in Hollywood in a way that few others ever have.  And he did it with no acting ability.  Nicholas Cage should serve as an inspiration to us all.  Talent isn’t actually required to succeed in Hollywood.  You just need…..whatever the hell he has.

For Attebiz Movie Reviews, I’m the J-man.

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One Response to “Movies Starring Nicholas Cage That Were Good In Spite of Starring Nicholas $%&@ing Cage”

  1. CookieCrumb September 8, 2010 at 2:24 am #

    You forgot National Treasure!!!

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